So this is the New Year and I don't feel any different...

It's amazing when a song can describe perfectly how I feel right now. (By the way, for you non-fans of Death Cab for Cutie, the above title is the first line of their song "The New Year.") In roughtly 7 hours it will be 2006, and it doesn't look much different than 2005 did. Obviously, some names and faces have changed. I'm a year older than the last time. I spent the last New Year's in sunny Florida with my family. That's not really what I'm talking about. I'm talking about my situation in life. It doesn't look much different, which begs the question "Was 2005 a complete waste?"

I can't really call this year a waste. There was some amazing things that happened. My trip to Turkey was amazing, and it made me reevaluate the way I look at the world (especially my little microcosmic world). I lost faith in the political party that I had so advocatively backed since childhood--finding myself now a swing voter. I redeiscovered the joy to be found in poetry--both as a writer and a reader. I realized that a life spent as a struggling musician not sure where his next meal is coming from seems more appealing than being bored with a 9-5 desk job that provides excellent security. I've learned (through a series of bad decisions) that budgeting your money is very important. Those are all lessons that I would call invaluable.

However, I have to admit that some time was wasted in the past 365 days. Mainly, I don't feel any closer to God than I did a year ago. I feel like I haven't grown very much spiritually. I haven't moved away. I think of my relationship with God like walking backwards up an escalator (going up the down escalator), and God's at the top of it. If you move at a descent rate, you don't go one way or the other. If you stand still, you just drift away from God. If you start walking away from Him, you move really fast. If you want to get closer, you've got to give it everything you've got. Well, I certainly haven't given it everything I've got. I've been lazy to say the least. I feel like I'm in the scenario where I'm trying just hard enough not to move any farther away but unable to move any closer. Unfortunately, that's described in the Bible as being lukewarm--which are the ones God spits out.

What it comes down to is this--I have to die to myself in 2006. Consider that my resolution. I have to put away a lot of my selfishness and realize that it's not all about me anymore (and it never was). I think of myself first a lot of the time, and it leads to a lot of excuses. "I want to relax after work" is my excuse for laziness--which is why I don't spend enough time in the Word, why I have a weak prayer life, why I don't make straight A's, why I'm not as well-read as I'd like to be, why I haven't finished my short story, and why I haven't grown as much as a guitar player as my band deserves.

In short, if I want 2006 to not end up like 2005, I have some growing up to do--and it starts with realizing that I'm not meant to be center stage in this story.