Showing Love With a Granola Bar...

Sometimes I get ahead of myself. Like just about any person in their early 20's staring down the lifetime ahead of them, I have one general goal for my life: change the world. What the hell does that even mean? What am I going to change? End all the wars? Feed all the people? Stop all the hate? Cure all the diseases? Seriously, there's a lot of stuff that needs changing.

I've come to realize that I will probably not do any of those things on any sort of global scale. What I'm coming to realize is that God really wants to use in a big way in little moments. Every day, I seem to be faced with moments to do something great. Most of the time, I lean towards apathy and fear.

Take this past week in Austin. I got out of the car at Ryan's house, and the guys from across the street yelled to us. My thought was to look distant, because I was distant. I really wanted nothing to do with these guys, and I had no idea who they were. I felt a small amount of shame at being so apathetic towards a couple of guys on the porch who were trying to be nice. Okay, fast forward 27 hours. It's 1 am the next night. We're locked out of Ryan's house, and Allen (one of the guys from the porch) comes across the street. He offers us a beer and a chair on his porch--we oblige. Well, we meet Roy (Allen's partner) when we walk up. The refer to themselves as Ryan's "gay pagan neighbors." Allen (who so far has proven himself to be one of the nicest people I've ever met) asks us if we're religious like the guys across the street (who he doesn't really know at all, he says). Adam and I were given a chance to be out-of-the-closet Christians to this gay couple. We didn't judge them. All we did was talk about art and music--we indirectly shared our faith (he asked where I work, which is indeed a church). We didn't do much for these guys except treat them like human beings and thank them for their kindness. I think God probably smiled. I talk a lot about loving the gay community, but this is probably the first time I've ever made good on those words.

I spent a week in Waco working with people in the inner city, and I think it really gave me insight to what it will be like when I live in a big city (i.e., Austin). There are homeless people all over Austin. If I were to give a couple of bucks to every person I saw, I'd be broke in a week. How can I help these people? Even I give a couple of bucks, many of these people are homeless due to addictions. I don't want to give someone 5 bucks to go towards booze or drugs. I had a simple thought the other day. What if I carried a box of those really awesome Wal-Mart brand granola bars? They cost like $1.50 for ten. In other words, for $.15, I can put a small amount of food in someone's stomach. It's not curing homelessness, but there are other means to that. It's providing about as much help as a couple of bucks does. In Fayetteville, it's been easy to pick up McDonald's or Arby's for someone standing near the bypass. Austin provides a much tougher situation. How do you give one person something when there's ten more standing next to him? I know a granola bar isn't much, but it doesn't take much to love.

My point is this: changing the world isn't some grand thing. Every time you do something little the world has changed. It won't get noticed on CNN, Bono won't give you a high-five, Oprah won't pretend to care about what you've done. Nonetheless, the world is different. It's better. I confess that I'm probably going to fail at this on a lot of occasions. I'll probably choose apathy over empathy. I'll probably just get used to seeing homeless men as I get on the bypass. I'll probably grow ignore the gay community rather than reach out to it. Hopefully, God will continuously break my heart for these men--homeless, gay, whatever. I pray that God would break my heart daily for those around me that don't know him. Maybe I won't see a giant revival in Austin. Maybe I won't see world peace. I just hope that I bring love and hope in a practical way wherever I go.

Church Shopping: Mosaic Austin

We went back to Mosaic tonight. Unfortunately, it was yet again an abnormal service. This was their last night to meet in that unfinished closet at First Baptist Church of Austin. So, they had a special time of sharing of "dreams" for the new space at 5619 W. Airport Blvd. and memories of the space at FBC-Austin. It was cool to see a church celebrate where it's been and cast vision for where it is going.

There are a lot of pros and cons to Mosaic. There's some things that are amazingly both a pro and a con about Mosaic. However, I've had a positive experience in being there these two times. I'm interested in looking further into this church.

Here's a list of positives: different than anything I've know a church to be, pretty small, very prayer-driven, very art-focused and art-friendly, community-oriented, an emphasis theology, and very focused on outreach to the community.

Here's some negatives: different than anything I've know a church to be, not much talk about foreign missions (only community missions), maybe a little prideful about the theology thing (that might be unfair), and I've yet to have someone say "I haven't seen you here before" or "Are you new?"

It's hard to feel a part of this church at first. Everyone knows each other, because it's so small. They have their own songs that they've written within the community (no Passion or Hillsong United songs here, please), so I don't know how any of them go. It's just really different from anything I have ever experienced.

However, I feel like I would feel more a part of the church if I were involved in community groups and as I learned the songs that they sing. I like that they really see worship as more than singing--that it's can be anything expressing our love for God (including life and serving the community around us). They had several people read poetry in the service tonight. One person spent the whole service painting, and there's an art gallery in the new space. I feel like this place is very connected with God's love for the arts and connected with the idea of redeeming the arts.

I've yet to hear someone teach the word on a Sunday night. Part, I've come to two random services (one with a guest speaker and one a transition between old and new). They have scripture readings throughout the services and push deep bible study in community, so I imagine the service is the same.

The biggest problem is a lack of attention (seemingly) to foreign missions. Granted, TOMS is an outreach to another part of the globe, and they had Blake come speak. Also, missions to the people of Austin and the international community near the new space is important too. However, I've yet to hear anything in a service or see anything on Mosaic's website about spreading the Gospel across the globe. Is that something that should cause Adam and I to run? Or, in such a small community, is that something that we would add? I think of New Heights and Joseph Mason. Joseph's dad is an elder at New Heights. When Joseph was hired to be the youth pastor, New Heights had very little interest. Joseph brought his passion for the nations with him to New Heights. Now, the church has missionaries around the world, pushes Perspectives On the World Christian Movement, and is on the board for ADMG. Wow. What a difference one man made in a community of believers by being passionate.

All this is to say, I'm not sure where I'll be going to church yet. I really liked the two places that I visited today...a lot. I felt really comfortable at The Stone, and I felt challenged at Mosaic. I feel like I would fit in the community at either. We'll just have to see where God leads me, because that is where I will follow.

(P.S. - What are the odds of moving the entire Grove body to Austin?)

Church Shopping: The Austin Stone

We visited another church today. It's called The Austin Stone Community Church, and it really reminded me of The Grove. There's a lot of things in Austin that remind me of bigger versions of things in Fayetteville. Bull McCabe's is like a bigger Crown Pub. Lamar Ave. is like a bigger 71B. I-35 is like a bigger I-540. 6th Street is like a bigger Dickson. In a way, Austin really is like a bigger Northwest Arkansas. For the most part, it's a Fayetteville. But, there's Round Rock and Pflugerville that are like your Rogers and Bentonville. My point is this: The Stone is like a bigger Grove.

There's a few more people with a couple more services. Nonetheless, it seems like a really similar church. The style of worship is similar. The age range is similar. The style of the sermon is really similar. They have a ton of community groups all over town, which is good. Community=good.

Here's the "pros": similar to Grove in many respects, downtown Austin, meets in a high school gymnasium (not a super-fancy building), sermon was intellectually challenging, worship was sincere, they support Austin's version of Church Under the Bridge (at the I-35 overpass of 7th Street), and they support missions (had 2 short-term teams just return).

Here's the "cons": Chris Tomlin is on staff and leads once a month (meaning, I have to pretend to like Chris Tomlin and there's a lot of people just there to hear him), the service seemed hierarchical--I didn't feel like you'd ever see someone like a Mike Harper giving the sermon or have a lot of participation from members in the band (I could be wrong about this), and it's kind of big for my taste as far as number of people.

Here's the thing. The Chris Tomlin con isn't entirely serious. He is a great worship leader, and he has to work somewhere. I am turned off by the fact that there will be a lot of church hoppers. I could be wrong about the separation of body and staff thing. I might have to get over the numbers thing, because this town has a lot of people like me who want to go to the types of churches I want to go to.

There's one thing that is a question for me: the prayer culture of the church. However, I hear that they have a Wednesday night prayer meeting that I'd want to check out. I would also like to see a community group to experience the prayer culture of the church.

I like that they have a 5:00 and 7:00 night service to offset a 10:45 (soon to be 9:00 and 11:00) morning service. This would allow me to go to the Church Under the Bridge here in Austin, where I could worship with the homeless and the poor. That's very appealing.

We're about to re-visit Mosaic (the hippies and hipsters church) tonight. They have a new building (small and in a shopping center), and it should be a normal service (i.e., Blake Mycoskie from TOMS won't be speaking). I'm interested to see what it's like. Adios.

I Just Paid for Wi-Fi, but At Least I've Had an Amazing Week

So, Adam is at his interview with the local Anderson rep here in the ATX. Me? I'm sitting at a Starbucks that's about a half a block away. Can you believe they didn't have free Wi-Fi? I had to pay to use their "T-Mobile Hot Spot." That's pure crap.

On a brighter note, it's good to be in Austin. I've been in Texas for a week now, and I think I can handle the muggy July heat. Pretty soon, I'll be a resident of this state. Crazy, huh?

Anyway, the last week in Waco was everything which I hoped it would be. I painted a house, cleaned a kitchen, sorted clothes, gave a devotional at a homeless shelter, went to a church that meets underneath an interstate overpass (Church Under the Bridge) during a rain storm, played with kids at a 3-day camp at a rec. center in a government housing complex, and witnessed my students at New Heights grow in so many ways. It was amazing.

It's hard to think about spending a week with those New Heights guys and gals then going straight to find an apartment in a new town. I'm really going to miss working at that church, and I'm really going to miss those kids. Leading those kids in worship has undoubtedly been the biggest privilege I have ever been given as a worship leader. If I had to choose 1,000 times between the ability I had to control lights and have bands at Fellowship for 5 years or worshiping with these New Heights kids for 6 months, I'd choose the NHSM kids 1,000 times. When those kids encounter Jesus in worship, it's amazing--whether in a Boys & Girls Club, a warehouse, or a small training center in Waco. I pray that God would continue to teach them to abandon themselves to His glory.

Quick story. We had an extended time of singing on Wednesday night. It was our last night. We wanted kids to have the ability to respond to Him and reflect on their week. Josh put out a bowl of water and a towel, so they could wash someone's feet if they wanted. In the midst of singing, I opened my eyes for a moment to see one of my guys (who never really sings on Sundays) just singing out to God, and I just about lost it. I looked over moments later to see his little sister washing his feet, and I couldn't hold it in. I just cried. I have prayed for these two kids and their brother (who I saw lying prostrate on the floor) for months. I honestly feel that they have more leadership potential than just about any of the kids in our ministry. To see him crying out to Jesus, to see her humbly washing her big brother's feet, and to see their brother lying facedown in worship touched my heart so deeply.

I cannot wait to move to Austin. I'm excited beyond all realization. However, I am daily realizing that there is a lot that must be left behind to get here. Right now, I'm sitting in a Starbucks in Austin. Pretty soon, this will become a regular occurrence (except, probably with a more local coffee house). Yet, I can't help but think about those kids, my job at New Heights, The Grove, the University of Arkansas, my favorite places on Dickson, the way Fayetteville looks at night when you first drive into the city, looking at the Christmas lights on Old Main, and mostly my friends and family. There's a lot to leave behind, but is there ever an adventure that doesn't start with leaving all you've known and loved behind?

Community...

I gave a talk on the Corporate disciplines today at New Heights. It went really well, but it was really hard to prepare for this talk. I may have mentioned this, but this has been a tough week.

I've had to make some decisions that will minorly isolate me from the community I love. It's hard to tell kids how important community is when this is happening. I realize that man was not made to be alone--God said so. I keep thinking about the book Blue Like Jazz (which I've convinced my mother to read...yay). Donald Miller talks so much about how we need community. I need it too. I'm going to be struggling to experience it in the near future, but I need it just the same.

Even worse, each passing day is one day closer to moving. When we get to Austin, Adam will be the only community I have. That's not a bad thing: I love that guy in a totally heterosexual way. (We're even soon to be hetero-lifemates like Stu & Lafe.) It will still be hard to leave behind so many people I love. I know Adam will struggle too. That's why I'm glad that he's the Paul McCartney to my John Lennon. I'm glad that I have a friend to make music with, to live life with, and to go on this crazy adventure with in Austin. I couldn't make it any other way.

God, I pray for a real sense of community. I pray for time alone to be a time of solitude--a time to listen to my creator speaking love and truth into my heart. God, when no one else is there, would you be by my side.

Who Am I Now?

Well, for those of you that read my last post, it's over. All of it. I have no more classes left--only a couple of tests. Tomorrow night at 6:30, I won't go to community group. Thursday night, there won't be band practice. There'll be no show on Friday or Saturday. All of it is done.

I don't know how to feel or what to think. Who am I now? I'm not a student. I'm not in a band. I'm not in a community group. What am I? I'm an intern at a church...for a month and a half. I'm on a softball team for the summer. These are the only things I have to which I can belong, but they're oh so temporary.

I'm afraid that the only way left to identify myself is through Jesus. All I have left to say is that "Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so." Do I have what it takes for that? Can I truly follow Christ and find my identity in him alone? I hope so.

There is nothing for me to hide behind any longer. There's nothing to give me purpose out there. This is proof to me that this world is temporary. All good things must come to an end...except Christ. He is eternal. I pray that I would find myself in things that are eternal.

Even Rebels Deserve Justice

For the most part, our mass media ignores much of what's valuable in this world. It ignores most of the injustice in this world. I've seen more about Paris Hilton on the CNN crawl than Darfur. More about Anna Nicole Smith's death than the death of 400,000 innocent people. Even the Virginia Tech massacre--a tragedy and an injustice in all regards--that included 30+ deaths has dominated airwaves while the world has ignored the ongoing murder of the black African people of Darfur. Why is this?

Is it because Virginia Tech is over? We don't have to worry about Sueng-Hui Cho murdering any more people, because he has already taken his own life. All we have to do is remember--we don't have to act. I know it's easier to think about Paris Hilton wrecking a car than to think about the Janjaweed burning an entire village. Why do we care so much about where Anna Nicole's body is going to be buried? Let the dead take care of the dead. There are millions living in refugee camps that aren't dead yet...but they will be if we don't act.

I once heard someone give a reason for why we should not help. This person said that we would be aiding the side of rebels. Yet, is a government justified for murder just because it's the government? Since when are rebels always the "bad guys"?

There was once a nation full of rebels fighting for freedom from a foreign king. America was born because of rebels. What if the French had never come to our aid against the British? We were fighting for equal representation, for fair taxation. The people of Darfur are fighting for their home, for their very life. What if we never come to their aid?

I won't pretend that I've done much in this effort. I've put the sticker on my car. I'm wearing the bracelet. I've donated some money. I marched. I've written e-mails to legislators. I've prayed. Yet, they keep dying. I won't pretend that I'm a champion for the people of Darfur. Sometimes, I lose hope all together.

Will our country ever pull through? We've tried to justify Iraq with the notion of freedom from oppression. What greater oppressor is their than death itself? Death is marching on Darfur right now, yet we don't even look their way. Death has burned down entire villages and killed family after family after family, but not one oil well has been damaged. Do we not act because Darfur has nothing to offer us? Is their no commodity that the businesses of America find worth saving? Human life may mean nothing to them, but is there no commodity they can save?

Sometimes I wonder why God hasn't acted. Nothing 'causes me to question more than evil and injustice. Why does a good god let innocent people suffer? It's tough to think about, but I trust that God is good. I rest in this fact: God created a world without evil, but he gave man a choice between good and evil. My friend put it this way: "A long time ago there were two people in a garden. God offered them the best life, but they choose to sin. Now we're all f**ked." Maybe it's not the most eloquent way to say it, but it's true.

God does not want the people of Darfur to suffer, but he allows it. He allows it not out of evil, but he allows mankind the ability to do what's right. Blessed are the peacemakers. Blessed are the peacemakers. Blessed are the peacemakers. May we make peace all the days of our lives.

I will never be able to personally to end the genocide in Darfur. I will continually pray, pray without ceasing, that God intervenes. I will continue to write Pryor, Lincoln, Beebe, Boozman, and the like. I will continue to wear a green wristband--hoping someone might ask what is going on in Darfur. I can't do much, but I can do what I can. So can you. Every representative and senator has an e-mail section on his/her site. Sign the petition on SaveDarur.org. For God's sake, for Darfur's sake, do what you can, and I'll do the best I can.

Thy Kingdom Come

This was said by Virginia Tech professor and poet Nikki Giovanni at a Tuesday evening memorial convocation at the Blacksburg campus. I think it is a beautiful thought in the wake of a tragedy.

We are sad today, and we will be sad for quite a while. We are not moving on, we are embracing our mourning. ... We do not understand this tragedy. We know we did nothing to deserve it, but neither does a child in Africa dying of AIDS, neither do the invisible children walking the night away to avoid being captured by the rogue army, neither does the baby elephant watching his community being devastated for ivory, neither does the Mexican child looking for fresh water, neither does the Appalachian infant killed in the middle of the night in his crib in the home his father built with his own hands being run over by a boulder because the land was destabilized. No one deserves a tragedy.

In light of this, I'm reminded that evil is not in this world because God doesn't exist or because God isn't good. Evil is in this world, because God exists and He is good. He made man, and he wanted man's love to be true--not forced. He allowed Adam & Eve to choose Him, but they chose sin. I've done the same. You've done the same. Regardless, Jesus Christ came. He brought with him the Kingdom of God. It is at hand. We are not waiting for the kingdom to come; we're living in it. God's kingdom is now, and it is real.

Risk Is a Game of World Domination and I'm Taking Over the World

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to take a chance? I know I have. I'm pretty sure that I've never really taken a chance on anything--a real chance. Sure, I've made some small gambles here or there: switching from Diet Dr. Pepper to Diet Pepsi, buying DVDs without having seen the movie, and so on. Nonetheless, there aren't very many real consequences to these things.

I have skipped out on a lot gambles in my life too: telling certain girls how I feel about them, moving to Nashville sophomore year, and things of that larger nature. Nonetheless, those all worked out as I no longer have feelings for any of those girls and I'm about to be a college graduate.

For the first time in my life, I've decided to lay it all out on the line. Many of you know that I want to move to Austin, TX in 5 months. What many of you don't know is how much I wrestled with this decision--especially after the possibility of a future job with New Heights arose.

I gave the decision to God. I knew that my heart wanted to go to Austin, but I wanted my heart to match God's heart in this. Not to mention, my head was thinking about the logistics. I wanted to prayerfully consider this. So, that's what I did. I prayed. I prayed a lot, and I prayed hard for God to help me make up my mind and make a decision.

Adam and I left for Austin last Friday, and I was ready for God to give me a resounding "yes" or "no." On the way down, Erin Johnson had called me; however, she thankfully did not tell me what had been on her heart about my moving (although she later revealed it to me).

The weekend was amazing. It was extremely fun and relaxing, but the best part was that I felt God answer my prayers. One of my worries was finding a community of believers--a church and friends. Now, I never thought this would happen on a weekend excursion. However, we found a group of people with a common heart for Jesus and a common heart for the arts and a common heart for people. We visited some churches, but you've already read about that. By the way, I liked Mosaic a lot, but I want to visit a few more churches.

The fact that I'm planning on visiting more churches should clue you in to what God revealed to me. I felt God strongly telling me to move to Austin. I felt like he eased my fears about moving too. On top of this, when I got home, Erin decided to tell me what she had held back in our phone conversation. As she had prayed for me, she felt on her heart that I would be stupid not to go--a mix of her wisdom and God's. She's right.

I love New Heights, and I love leading worship. However, there will always be an opportunity to lead worship (either volunteering or as a job). There will probably be an opportunity to do this in Austin. However, the opportunity to take a risk this big will not always be there. This is a chance for me to step out on a limb and do the thing which I love most--make music.

So, if you've been wondering, I have OFFICIALLY decided to move to Austin. I'm not going to say that I'm probably moving anymore. Now, I am simply moving. This is to say that I love you all, I'll miss you all, and let's hang out for the next 5 months.

Don't Know What Ya Got 'Til It's Gone...

"You know the words to that Cinderella song 'Don't Know What You Got 'Til It's Gone.' That pretty much says it better than I could..." ~ Roy on TV's The Office

Adam and I are still in Austin. We're visiting churches today. We went to a church called Gateway Church this morning, and we're visiting a church called Mosaic at 6:00. I'd like to say that Gateway Church made me so very grateful for everything I have ever had as a church. Fellowship may be a little "showy" on Christmas and Easter, but Gateway thrives on showy. There was a crazy stage setup, a drama, a performance song, a jazz jamout during the offering, name repetition for the teacher, really cheesy latin-influenced versions of late 90's worship music, and a standup routine for a sermon (or it might as well have been). Between each there was clapping....that's right, clapping by the audience. This church was everything I don't want. It made me realize how much I've loved the Grove, Fellowship, and even my short time as an intern at New Heights. I know those things aren't gone (like the Cinderella song says), but I'm really appreciative for these things.

I don't think Mosaic will be much like this Gateway Church. It's a small mobile, artistic, individualistic church. I know that they're really into theology and the arts, and they meet in downtown Austin (as opposed to Gateway's white suburbia). It should be cool.

I feel bad that I sort of bashed this church above, but it really does represent all that I don't want in church. On the other hand, they do give to missions and serve in the community. Unfortunately, I'm pretty sure that I would experience little-to-no spiritual growth at a church like this. I think it's probably great for some people, but Adam and I agreed that neither of us ever wanted to go back there.

A Confession of Affectation & Pretension

I may or may not be a pretentious jerk. When it comes to music and movies (and even literature), I am very opinionated. I like to make my opinions known as often as is possible. Not only do I have strong opinions about music and movies, but I'm also very picky about these things. I like certain music, and I hate most else. I like certain movies, and I hate most else. This isn't a bad thing, and I refuse to believe it is (even if you tell me otherwise). I like what I like, and I shouldn't be forced to like or pretend to like anything that I don't really like.

The point is this: I want to be less forceful with my music opinions and my movie opinions. I want to like what I like and let you like what you like. I don't have to like it to. I don't have to approve of you liking it. I just have to let you like it.

For example: if you want to listen to the new Mat Kearney (by the way, man, it's spelled Matt) album, go for it. It sucks, and I hate it. I'm not going to listen to it if I don't have to. However, I'm going to let you like it. If you ask what I think of it, I'm going to rip that sucker apart. However, if you casually mention how much you love it, I don't want to explain to you why it sucks. You enjoy what you enjoy, and I'll hate what I hate (or enjoy what I enjoy).

I understand that what I've just said is dripping with pretense. I have basically asserted that what I like is good and what I don't is bad. I'm okay with that. I really don't feel like I have to pretend that something doesn't suck for the sake of seeming humble. On a deeper level, isn't that a really affected form of humility anyway? I'd be putting up a false front in order to look better--if that isn't affectation, what is? Nonetheless, I'm not going to pretend stuff doesn't suck. I'm just not going to be in your face about it (unless you ask my opinion, in which case, you've opened up a whirlwind of criticism and debate).

I doubt that I'll ever be "humble" about my pop culture opinions. This is my attempt to get as close as I can get to it. I'll will continue to blog my opinion. I will continue to categorize things as good and crappy. I will continue to force things into Top 10 lists and the like. However, I will try not to rip apart your "favorite" pop radio band or box office blockbuster unless you ask for my opinion. I will in no way attempt or pretend to like these things, but I will not blast them unless asked. That's the best I feel I can offer right now.

**EDIT: One, I have failed to live up to this so far. Two, sorry about the whole triple post thing. I was having internet problems at the Union. It keep refusing to load. Somehow, it later loaded every time.

Tax Collectors...

I think I have found the modern day equivalent to tax collectors. The Jews hated tax collectors, because they were Jews that were working for Caesar and giving the Jews money to Caesar. The best I can think to be equivalent to these tax collectors is the students who work for UA Parking & Transit. You know the ones I mean--walking through the parking deck, assigning tickets to people who didn't pay the meter. These are students collecting for "The Man." I have to believe that these students also run late to class and would love to park in the ever-convenient deck but lack the monetary funds necessary. I always feel a little back-stabbed when I see a fellow student writing a ticket to someone's car. On a side note, I never get tickets in the deck. I park there 3-5 days a week. I never pay. I have a handful of tickets from the past few years.

In need of an adventure...

Wow. I was reading my first posts from this blog--a series of posts describing my 14 day trip to Turkey. It was an amazing retrospective. I can't believe it's been a year and a half since that trip. That's unbelievable. It made me realize something: I need an adventure. That trip completely changed me for one reason--I left home.

I saw a whole different side of the world. In the aftermath, it changed so much of me: it changed my conception of myself, it increased my tiny Western worldview to a more complete worldview, it turned my political feelings upside down, and it changed my narrow perception of God. When I left the comfort of home, I had to sort of question everything about where I was from. Is it right the way our country treats most of the world? No. Is it right the way I lived my life? No. Is it right to define morality in our country by two issues (neither of which being the "poverty" issue)? No. Is God limited to the way we define him and worship him in America? No.

I questioned. I found answers. I saw people who begged for bread on the street. I saw "rich" people that seemed poor to me (by our poorest American standards). I saw people who were totally different from me and totally the same as me. I'm not even 100% sure what that means, but it just makes sense inside me. In all of this, I saw something different in me. I realized that I had to truly find myself--not in some new age mystical way. I needed to know why I believed what I believed--both mentally, politcally, and spiritually. When I did that, I found myself.

I found out what was important to me. I found out that God reigned supreme--even in the darkness. I found out that a life of significance for me involves being a person that deeply cares for the poor and the mistreated. I found out that the Republican Party is not God's chosen political party (in fact, I think God probably hates politcs to a certain extent). If I had never left Arkansas for even those short two weeks, I would still be what I was. That might sound good to some people, but it isn't.

I needed to leave comfort behind. I needed to leave familiarity behind. Even for two weeks. I had to see the world that the Walton's didn't build. I had to see a place where it wasn't safe to believe in Jesus. I couldn't have changed if I'd never seen the world outside of here--not that I haven't travelled a lot our country or lived in 5 other states. I just needed to do it.

When I was 16, I went to Saltillo, Mexico to study for a few weeks. I had to survive on my own--without my parents to help. It changed me. In fact, that was the time where my relationship with God went from the new/free trial period to a full subscription. When I was 20, I made the trip to Turkey. Now, I'm 22. I'm almost done with college. I think it's time to go somewhere. It doesn't have to cross any national borders or oceans. I need to strike out on my own. I found out who I would be in high school by going to Mexico. I found out who I would be in college by going to Turkey. Now, I have to found out who I'm going to be in life.

Sometimes, you just have to leave home.

Giving is for Givers

And here is my advice about what is best for you in this matter: Last year you were the first not only to give but also to have the desire to do so. Now finish the work, so that your eager willingness to do it may be matched by your completion of it, according to your means. For if the willingness is there, the gift is acceptable according to what one has, not according to what he does not have.

Our desire is not that others might be relieved while you are hard pressed, but that there might be equality. At the present time your plenty will supply what they need, so that in turn their plenty will supply what you need. Then there will be equality, as it is written: "He who gathered much did not have too much, and he who gathered little did not have too little."

~2 Corinthian 8

I think this is me. Eagerness to give; little actual giving. I talk a whole lot about wanting our country to help the poor, wanting others to help the poor, and wanting myself to help the poor. I realy don't give all that much. I give. I'm not a complete hypocrite. In fact, I don't know that it's actually a lack of giving that has me convicted. I think it's more a lifestyle of giving that I don't have. I give a decent amount, but I do it after I've bought for me. I don't have to sacrifice a whole lot to give. I usually give solely out of my excess. Not my excess after covering basic survival needs. I give out of my excess after I've gotten my luxuries. I know God's not necessarily calling me to be poor (as Paul says in the second paragraph), but he's certainly calling me to provide for others survival before I provide for my own luxury.

Am I a bad person?

I just wrote a post. When I got done, all I could think was that I was a horrible human being and that I'm an ungrateful pile of crap. Needless to say. I didn't publish it.

It's just that, I'm having a hard time being content with my life. Of course, like all crappy situations, it started with a girl. I really like this girl. She's fun to be around, she's cute, and she's got an awesome heart. I hang out with this girl a lot, and it's really great. Yet, I'm pretty sure she's starting to be interested in another guy. The only problem is that this is guy is one of my close friends. I know--not that big of a deal. It's just that I already struggle being jealous of this guy. Trying not to give his identity away--he's another musician that I'm good friends with. I'm already jealous of this guy's songwriting abilities. Let's be honest, he's better looking than me too. Anyway, I'm pretty sure she likes him--or at least finds him attractive. It's just hard, because it makes me even more jealous.

Days ago, I was ready to throw it all on the line and ask this girl on a date. I was confident; I totally believed in myself. Now...I just feel like I always feel. Not good enough.

Am I a bad person for feeling this way? Am I ungrateful? God's given me musical talent, but I'm jealous of this guy's musical talent. God's given me something to offer women (I hope), but I feel like I don't stand a chance like other guys. Why is it so hard to be content? Sometimes, I feel like I'm not asking for much, but I'm getting even less.

I know. I shouldn't need anything but God. He's enough to fill every void. Sometimes it's just hard to feel that way. It's hard to watch your friends get married or fall in love and not feel alone in your singleness. It's hard to watch other people get patted on the back and lauded as a musician and not feel insufficient as a struggling artist. God, where are you now?

My Enemies Are Men Like Me

"Peace by way of war is like purity by way of fornication.
It's like telling someone murder is wrong
And then showing them by way of execution."

~Derek Webb

Wisdom...

"Meaningless! Meaningless!"
says the teacher.
"Utterly meaningless!
Everything is meaningless!"


There is no remembrance of men of old
and even those who are yet to come
will not be remembered
by those who follow.


I have seen all things that are done under the sun; all of them are meaningless, a chasing after the wind.

~Ecclesastes 1:2, 1:11,and 1:14~


Oh Solomon, how I can relate. Everything seems pointless.

School seems pointless. I'm working my tail off to earn a piece of paper that says I'm qualified to say I have an English degree--but not qualified to do anything with it. For that, I would need some other piece of paper--one the says I have mastered the art of English or the art of Teaching.

People seem pointless. I don't know if I have very many lasting friendships right now. I look back at last April, and I think to myself that I didn't hang out with any of these people then nor do I hang out with any of those people from last April now. What about next April? Will any of these people be there? Maybe I am unable to make lasting friendships.

Music seems pointless. I'm a mediocre guitarist devoting all his time to a band that might break up in a year. Everyone else will be putting their useful college degrees into use, and I'll still be stuck in some boyhood dream. Will I be left alone in my musical dreams come May 2007?

Work seems pointless. I'm attaining experience in a field that I hate--mail. When am I ever going to need that skills set? I can put a stamp on. I can sort by mail rate. I can tell you the theory behind zip codes. Need to know the price for postage on something? That should come in handy if I ever decide to throw my life away in a career in the warehouse part of the post office.

What is the point of everything? If there is no point, why haven't I given up yet?

Solomon had an answer.

"Now all has been heard
here is the conclusion of the matter:
Fear God and keep his commandments
for this is the whole duty of man.

For God will bring every deed into judgement,
including every hidden thing,
whether it is good or evil."

~Ecclesiastes 12:13-14~

So, everything else seems pointless. True. Nonetheless, follow God.

School seems pointless. People seem pointless. Music seems pointless. Work seems pointless.

Follow God.

Everything seems pointless.

Follow God.

I have no idea where I'm going.

Follow God.

I can't see the road ahead.

Follow God.

I don't know what I want to be when I grow up.

Follow God.

I will never know the future. Maybe I will write great novels someday, and I'll thank my Arkansas professors that made me love literature. Maybe the people that are beside me today will be there tomorrow, even if they weren't there yesterday. Maybe when I accept my nomination into the Rock 'N' Roll Hall of Fame, I'll look at Adam and Matt and Bailey and TC to say, "Thanks for never letting me give up on boyhood dreams." Although, I'll probably always hate mail.

Nonetheless, God has a plan for me. I don't know what it is. I get frustrated that sometimes the roads that I worked hard to travel just lead me to more roads to travel when I just want to be at the destination He has assigned for me. He's leading me somewhere. When I look back from that place, I'll thank Him for the roads He took me down and the memories He gave me.

Right now, I haven't a clue. Period. I have no clue.

Someday, it will all make sense. Until then...

Follow God.




By the way, this post started without any intention of adding hope to it. God just decided to use His Word to change my heart. Thanks God.

The Great Magnification Battle (or the Difference Between Microscopes and Telescopes)

I have been going through the book Don't Wast Your Life by John Piper with a small group of high school guys . In one chapter, Piper brought up this idea of the differences between magnification by microscopes and telescopes. I pointed this out to the guys, and we discussed it a little bit. Then, I moved on. However, today, a friend of mine was giving a talk to junior high and high school kids. I was there leading worship, and I was convicted when he began explaining this principle.

You see, there are two ways to magnify something. One way involves a microscope and the other involves a telescope. Both use lenses to magnify images for our eyes to see. The difference is really simple though. A microscope takes something ever so small (like a bacterium) and makes it much larger, thus enabling us to see this miniscule object. A telescope, on the other hand, takes something that is great and enormous (like a distant glaxy) and gives us a smaller, easier to view glimpse of it.

I often find that I live my life like a microscope. In relation to the grand scheme of the universe, I take some very tiny things and attempt to make them look bigger.

For example, my co-workers often laugh at the music playing in my van when I return from my mail route. They listen to very bad music--like Aerosmith, Toby Keith, and Puff Daddy. I often find it my civic duty to explain good music to these people. Often, I find myself arguing the reasons that Death Cab for Cutie and Wilco and Radiohead are the greatest bands in the world. I often argue why The Flaming Lips are creative and take an intelligent listener to understand and appreciate. Basically, I'm taking things that are very small (like musicians) and magnifying them as much as I possibly can to my co-workers.

A second example anyone? Very often, I find myself magnifying something very miniscule--myself. I want people to recognize what I have done. I want people to know about Famous in May. I want people to like my music. I want people to like poems I have written. Sometimes, I even find myself craving attention for the ways I have helped out and served (insert_"gasp"_here). In short, I am selfish and tiny. Therefore, I try to magnify myself as much as I can.

This isn't how we are meant live. We're not meant to live to argue good music. We're not meant to live to magnify our own accomplishments. We're not meant to live for a lot of the things we live and die and eat and sleep and breath and don't breathe for. Wilco and Death Cab and Radiohead are tiny specks on a tiny speck of a planet in a solar system at the very edge of just one galaxy. We are tiny specks just the same. We're meant to live for something bigger.

God created us to be telescopes. There's this distant and enormous thing--God's greatness and God's grandness. We're supposed to take that thing and make it visible to those around us. Don't believe me? That's what Jesus did. He took an abstract thing like God's love, and he showed us a visible picture of it--His death on the cross. We're to live like that.

How do we magnify God like a telescope? How do we show people the greatness and grandness of God in a visible display? We live it out. Our actions show them. When people see us live and die and eat and sleep and breathe and don't breathe for God's glory and not our glory or some other thiny thing's glory--they see God. They see God in the way we hope in the salvation that Jesus has given us. They see God in the way we serve without expecting so much as a thank you or even an acknowledgement of our deed.

I'm not saying it's wrong to love music. In fact, I love music very much. I am very glad that I went and saw Wilco and Death Cab in the past month. I am very proud of the music that I get to make with Famous in May. Unfortunately, there are days (too many days) where I am more concerned about magnifying these things than I am about magnifying the One True God, the Creator, the Savior. That is a tragedy in the making.

In faltering or victory...

I crumble at Your kiss and grace
I'm a weakling in the dust
Teach me how to cling to You
With all my life and all my love

Father, come to me and hold me up, 'cause I can barely stand
My strength is gone and my breath is short, I can't reach out my hands
But my heart is set on a pilgrimage to Heaven's own bright King
So in faltering or victory, I will always sing

And on the road to beautiful
My seasons always change
But my life is spent on loving You
To know You in Your power and pain

Father, come to me and hold me up, 'cause I can barely stand
My strength is gone and my breath is short, I can't reach out my hands
But my heart is set on a pilgrimage to Heaven's own bright King
So in faltering or victory, I will always sing

You're my portion in this life
You're my strength now in my fight
And to You I pledge my heart
In the pain and in the dark, I'll love You
I'll love You, I'll love You

Father, come to me and hold me up, 'cause I can barely stand
My strength is gone and my breath is short, I can't reach out my hands
But my heart is set on a pilgrimage to Heaven's own bright King
So in faltering or victory, I will always sing

But my heart is set on a pilgrimage to Heaven's own bright King
So in faltering or victory, I will always sing

I'll love You...

-Charlie Hall "On the Road to Beautiful"

I want this song to be my prayer...

Words of wisdom from Ryan Adams...

Promises don't pay cash at the bank,
if they did I'm betting your word.
They couldn't pay me for the time
That it took to write a check
To buy a babydoll for my girl.

-Ryan Adams - "The Hardest Part"

I watched one of my close friends (and bandmates) get his feelings hurt last night. This song resonates in my head today. Though the song doesn't really relate that much, it made me think. We can't always rely on promises by people. In fact, more often than not, you'll find people don't live up to everything they say they are or could be.

However (this is where my cynicism from above fades some), there is a promise that we can take to the bank. There is someone who will not let us down. The promise we have in the blood of Christ Jesus--sealed in our hearts by his Holy Spirit--will not and cannot ever let us down.

Sin screwed our world up. It screwed each of us up. Now we make a lot of promises we cannot keep. The one who is without sin--our Messiah, our Saviour--cannot and will not let us down. He is everything that he says he is--though he's not always everything everyone else says he is. He keeps HIS word. That's a promise we can take to the bank.