I'm Not Leaving Without Bumblebee...

Well, I went to see Transformers tonight. It was pretty much everything I hoped it wouldn't be but expected it would be--pure crap. They tried to throw in some "intentional comedy" in the film. Example: the Autobots trying to hide from Sam's (Shia Lebouf) parents, Sam's mom asking why his door was locked (wink!), Bumblebee "urinating" on a government agent, a George Bush-esque president asking for a Ding Dong, and various other things of this nature. However, the funniest parts of the film were when they tried to get sentimental or tough.

My absolute favorite moment was when the soldiers tried to get Megan Fox's character to follow Sam to a building, but she wouldn't leave without helping a fallen Autobot (Sam's Chevy Camaro). This sparked this soon-to-be-classic line "I'm not leaving without Bumblebee." A failed attempt at being sentimental.

More failed sentiment: Optimus Prime's "Sam, if I fail to defeat Megatron, push the All-Spark into my chest. I will sacrifice myself to save mankind." So much for subtlety. Another great Optimus Prime sentiment: "Sam, I owe you my life. We are forever in your debt." I think they're may have been a little bit of robot tear in his robot eyes in that scene.

How about some failed toughness? Megan Fox's character (Mikaela? What a lame name for a character...no offense to any Mikaela's who might read this blog.) is hauling around the fallen Bumblebee with a tow truck and throws out the one-liner, "I'll drive, you shoot." Classic. A Decepticon is trying to steal the All-Spark (basically the central theme to the movie) from Sam, giving us this well-written and totally believable gem: "I'll never give you this All-Spark!!" My absolute favorite tough line comes from Megatron--the Decepticon leader. Jazz (an Autobot who is an advertisement for the Pontiac Solstice) says to him, "Want a piece of me?" Megatron replies, "No, I want you in two pieces." Then, he rips him in half.

Basically, this movie was everything I really expected: Shia Lebouf making witty comments, Jon Voight committing career-suicide (no wonder Angelina won't talk to him), Tyrese Gibson modeling tank tops, Megan Fox looking like an absolute tramp, the Transformers looking and acting cheesy as ever, and General Motors advertising a variety of cars (Chevy Camaro, GMC trucks, Hummer H2, Pontiac Solstice, GMC Yukon, and surely something else I've forgotten about).

I think the closing moments of the film speak best for the overall tone and quality of the film. Imagine it. Linkin Park's "What I've Done" is slowly fading in. There's a shot of a soldier picking up his baby girl for the first time (she was born while he was at war...tear). Cue up Shia Lebouf and Megan Fox kissing. Pan out. Oh baby, they're on top of Bumblebee (in Chevy Camaro form, of course). Cut to credits. Insert shots of Sam's parents saying funny things to reporters. Back to credits. Cue James Miller laughing.

Basically, this was the third installment of Short Circuit. Just substitute the once-dignified character Optimus Prime (heck, I cried when he died in the animated Transformers movie) for Johnny 5. There's cheap comedy, failed emotionalism, and robots. Unfortunately, the robots of Short Circuit 3: Transformers fail to maintain the likability of the first two installments' protagonist Johnny 5. If you walk into this film with the intention to laugh, you have to give it a higher grade. Unfortunately, I walked in hoping to be surprised by seeing a decent-to-good sci-fi film starring one of my favorite childhood toys. Silly me.
Movie Grade: D+

EDIT: There's one high point to Transformers: the soundtrack features a version of the original theme song by Mutemath. It's worth downloading from iTunes. Luckily, it's not in the movie. So, Mutemath has that going for them.

SIDE NOTE: What is up with the main chicks of Transformers and Spider-man? Both Mary Jane Watson and Mikaela Whogivesacrap are troubled teens that are somehow the most popular girl in school. Mary Jane has a verbally abusive, alcoholic father. Mikaela Whogivesacrap learned to fix cars from her locked-up car thief dad. Heck, she's even got a Juvy record. Let's be honest--that's bull crap. The girls at my high school who were popular had dads who were dentists and congressman and lawyers. They drove nice cars that were paid for, not stolen. Not to mention, Mikaela dresses like a complete skank in Transformers, which isn't really the quality of the All-American cheerleaders that were popularized at RHS (although, they did all go through a short-lived "punk rock" phase thanks to Hot Topic).